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10-08-2008, 05:17 PM
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#1 |
Name: David City: Pittsboro State: NC County: Chatham Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 52 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 3.77 over 180 days | BREAKING NEWS - MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour," "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as '"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and the elimination of "-ize.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a nail clipper. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a nail clipper in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the right side of the road with immediate effect ; and for those of you who do not understand what this means : it means the left-hand side which happens to be the correct side. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are in some respects at least, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer!! They are also, in a manner of speaking, part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Gwyneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was not a nice experience.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK; It's been driving us absolutely dilly.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper tea [not the other stuff you mispronounce as 'erbal tea !!!] and proper cups, with saucers; never mugs. This will be served with high quality cakes and scones (proper scones please!), with jam and clotted cream, and biscuits (the REAL thing not your "cookies" for goodness sake!) and of course, sandwiches, which are indeed sandwiches and not your interpretation of them.
God Save the Queen! |  
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10-08-2008, 05:20 PM
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#2 |
Name: Marlin City: Springfield State: VA County: Fairfax Join Date: Feb 2007 Age: 33 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 4.43 over 180 days |
[font] might want [/font] to [font] edit that [/font] | |
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10-08-2008, 05:27 PM
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#3 |
Name: David City: Pittsboro State: NC County: Chatham Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 52 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 3.77 over 180 days |
Originally Posted by Marlin  [font] might want [/font] to [font] edit that [/font] Blimey! you were quick, I started the edit as soon as I had posted it!!
__________________
David
"There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea" Bernard-Paul Heroux | |
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10-08-2008, 05:43 PM
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#4 |
Name: Les Mayberry City: Liberty State: NC County: Alamance Join Date: Jul 2006 Age: 50 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 3.89 over 180 days |
Does this mean we no longer have to press 1 for english?
__________________
Working with wood is the best way to forget your other problems.
Les Mayberry | |
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10-08-2008, 05:51 PM
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#5 |
Name: Mike City: Westfield State: NC County: Stokes Join Date: Dec 2005 Age: 51 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.84 over 180 days |
You still have a right smart of editing to do there. 
__________________
"Are you going to continue telling me why we can't or help me figure out how we can?" | |
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10-08-2008, 05:52 PM
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#6 | | Asst. Webmaster
Name: Bas City: Cary State: NC County: Wake Join Date: Aug 2007 Age: 35 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.92 over 180 days |
Hilarios!
__________________
Bas.
I don't need it. I just want it.
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10-08-2008, 05:54 PM
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#7 |
Name: Ed City: Charlotte State: NC County: Mecklenburg Join Date: Apr 2006 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.88 over 180 days |
Originally Posted by lhmayberry Does this mean we no longer have to press 1 for english?
Now that's funny!
Regarding the transition to the Brits: Me thinks they have had enough problems over the last couple hundred or so years that would disqualify then from revolking anyone's independence! .gif "Drogar Laugh(DBG)")
__________________
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway ! | |
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10-08-2008, 05:59 PM
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#8 |
Name: Jerry City: Raleigh State: NC County: Wake Join Date: Nov 2006 Age: 47 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.92 over 180 days |
__________________
Jerry
If mistakes are opportunities to learn, then I must be in graduate school!
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10-08-2008, 06:31 PM
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#9 |
Name: David City: Pittsboro State: NC County: Chatham Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 52 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 3.77 over 180 days |
Originally Posted by jerrye Ah but you gain a lot more "T"s they reappear in such words as "Water"
And of course you can all stop for "Tea" at 4 O'clock
__________________
David
"There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea" Bernard-Paul Heroux | |
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10-08-2008, 06:32 PM
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#10 |
Name: David City: Pittsboro State: NC County: Chatham Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 52 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 3.77 over 180 days |
Originally Posted by lhmayberry Does this mean we no longer have to press 1 for english? That would be "press 1 for US English"!
__________________
David
"There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea" Bernard-Paul Heroux | |
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10-08-2008, 07:12 PM
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#11 |
Name: Trent Mason City: Wrightsville Beach State: NC County: New Hanover Join Date: Feb 2008 Age: 29 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.03 over 180 days |
Sounds like fun to me. If I don't like it, I'll just move to Canada.
__________________  "flight of the sea birds, scattered like lost words......"
The ability to do woodworking no longer available in Bud Light. 
"We should never separate the lives we live
from the words we speak."
— Paul Wellstone
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10-08-2008, 08:44 PM
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#12 |
Name: Reggie City: Albemarle State: NC County: Stanly Join Date: May 2007 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.77 over 180 days |
David, what a Hoot! Thoroughly enjoyed this. Printed it off so I can send it to others. Thanks, Old Man!!
__________________
Remember: It's the SECOND mouse to the trap that gets the cheese!!
If everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane!!
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10-08-2008, 09:08 PM
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#13 |
Name: Jerry City: Raleigh State: NC County: Wake Join Date: Nov 2006 Age: 47 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.92 over 180 days |
Originally Posted by Trent Mason Sounds like fun to me. If I don't like it, I'll just move to Canada. Where ya gonna surf in Canada? Besides, if'n ya go there ya better learn French!
__________________
Jerry
If mistakes are opportunities to learn, then I must be in graduate school!
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10-08-2008, 09:14 PM
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#14 |
Name: Trent Mason City: Wrightsville Beach State: NC County: New Hanover Join Date: Feb 2008 Age: 29 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 6.03 over 180 days |
__________________ "flight of the sea birds, scattered like lost words......"
The ability to do woodworking no longer available in Bud Light.
"We should never separate the lives we live
from the words we speak."
— Paul Wellstone
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10-08-2008, 10:13 PM
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#15 |
Name: Christopheralan City: Trenton State: NC County: Jones Join Date: Nov 2006 Age: 30 Avg Visit Freq/Week
= 4.82 over 180 days |
"What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is your favorite colour?"
"Wonderful SPAM!! Wonderful SPAM!!"
Can we also make Benny Hill a national hero? | |
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.gif "Drogar Cry(DBG)")
As far as French goes.......... well, it might as well be hieroglyphics. 
